Balls over technology

Was that a goal?

In the 2002 World Cup, reigning World and European champions; France surprised everyone by finishing bottom of their group and failing to score a single goal. Having qualified automatically as holders, many blamed their underachievement on the fact that they had not played a competitive game for 2 years. Following the tournament FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced that holders would no longer qualify automatically for the World Cup.

Sepp Blatter is not in favour of bringing video technology into football because "if science likes that comes into football then we will have no discussions." He is reluctant to make changes to the rules that will be impossible to implement at grass roots level and retains the belief that "introducing video technology into football will result in the type of artificial intelligence-lead apocalypse documented in the Terminator films."

Most England fans this morning, if asked, would be fervently in favour of video technology. We need a scapegoat following footballing failure, and who better to blame than 'The Man'. The Man, in this case, being FIFA. England's 'Golden Generation' again go home from a World Cup empty handed and open hearted, with the oldest squad in the competition it's safe to say that most of them will not be back.

But is footballing success for our national side worth risking the possibility of a future where heavily armed cyborgs seek to destroy the human race? That's not for me to decide. Given the choice right now I would probably say "Yes", but perhaps that's why I'm not the president of FIFA.

France's 2002 failure was not only down to their not having played a competitive game for 2 years, their awesome 'golden generation' was made up of players largely born in the late 60's or early 70's and continued success meant that there was now a lost generation of players behind them who had barely had a sniff of international football. Claude Makelele for example (a player so influential in modern football he has a position named after him 'The Makelele Role') was 29 leading into that tournament and had only 14 caps. France were a victim of their own success and, having failed to blood younger options, they arrived with a team of thirtysomethings and crashed spectacularly.

England are not victims of their own success, although they are in danger of making a similar mistake. Fabio Capello picked the oldest squad at this World Cup because he prefers experience. Despite this experience, England committed 8 players forward for a direct free-kick that Lampard was to take. Frank Lampard is very good at football, but experience has taught me that when offered a direct free-kick in a shooting position, Frank Lampard doesn't tend to pass to a team-mate.

Frank Lampard will be 36 at the next World Cup, it is time for him to retire from international football, but he is not this year's scapegoat. James, Green, Upson, Carragher, King, Wright-Phillips, Beckham, Carrick, Defoe and Heskey should all join him and provide opportunities for the next generation. Clinically, there are younger players of similar ability who would not noticeably dilute the squad.

The English media want to give their waiting public a scapegoat, the Uruguayan linesman cannot be realistically daemonised, he was perfectly positioned to judge for any offside when England's 'goal' was scored, but the angle was perhaps not best suited for judging whether the ball was over the line or not, and he cannot be expected to be in two places at once - he's not a cyborg from the future. Usually the morally ambiguous John Terry would be the default scapegoat, but his recent media charm offensive and neo-iconic attempt to stop a shot with his face against Slovenia has neutralised popular opinion, so much so that, when the press last week pencilled-in Fabio Capello as this years scapegoat, Terry was bold enough to admit disquiet towards his manager on the record.

A World Cup match between England and Germany is a big deal and so, after the mandatory post-game television interviews, Capello was seated before the crème of England's written press. We didn't get to where we are today by being shy/retiring types, and the Italian was forced to endure an incessant stream of stand-up bollockings from a tightly packed room of men who understand or influence English football and public opinion better than he. "We don't want you. Resign or we will make your life unbearable" was the explicit subtext. Potential scapegoats Gareth Barry, Robert Green, John Terry, Emile Heskey, Mauricio Espinosa and Wayne Rooney can breathe a sign of relief, it's a two-horse race between Capello and FIFA.

Capello's saviour may have arrived an hour later, as the Argentina/Mexico game provided similar controversy. A Carlos Tevez header put Argentina ahead but while the Mexican players surrounded the referee and linesman, a replay of the goal was played on the stadium monitors - showing Tevez to be offside. It was too late; the goal had already been given and, even though officials had seen that they were wrong, FIFA rules meant the decision could not be changed. More pressure for FIFA as a worldwide audience sees two vital games decided by incorrect decisions that technology would have rectified.

Let England learn from this, video replay or not, Germany were the better side with the third youngest squad at the tournament. If England fans want to campaign for reform it should be The F.A, and not FIFA where they set their sights. A future with the likes of Adam Johnson and Joe Hart must be infinitely preferable to a future of robot assassins.

Chile add spice to a mixed bag of 16

Of the 16 best teams in the world, according to FIFA rankings, only 9 made it through to the last 16 of the World Cup. Egypt, Russia and Croatia failed to qualify for the tournament proper while Serbia, Greece, France and Italy couldn't make it past the group stages. So then, the last 16 of the World Cup contains 7 nations who aren't "officially" in the best 16....yet. So who are they and what are they for? 

EL TRI TODAVIA QUE CRECE

With their unique 3-4-3 formation, deploying two advanced wide strikers either side of an deep centre-forward, Mexico are an interesting side to watch and a difficult challenge for defences. With an emphasis on attack their movement and organisation means 'El Tri' games are always good spectacles. Most impressive has been Giovanni dos Santos who has been a revelation from the young man who struggled to make an impact at Barcelona and Tottenham. Experienced captain Rafael Marquez is pivotal to the team's tactical shape, operating as a defensive midfielder, centre-back and, at times, playmaker rolled into one. Finishing 2nd to Uruguay and so eliminating France and South Africa the Mexican's reward is a tie with the equally zealous Argentina, a game which promises nothing if not goals. 

ASIAN BABES

Something of an unknown quantity coming into the tournament, with the majority of their squad taken from the East-Asian leagues, South Korea at 47th are the lowliest ranked side to qualify for the knock-out stages. The antithesis of Mexico, they are a athletic, defensive side who invite their opponents to attack before hitting them quickly and with numbers on the counter. They qualified with Argentina from Group B, profiting from an ambitiousness Greece and a Nigeria side in disarray. Football already knew about Park Ji-Sung,but exciting youngsters Lee Chung-Yong and Ki Sung-Yueng have done plenty to improve their fledgling reputations. The Tigers of Asia will face a sterner test this afternoon when they face in-form Diego Forlan's Uruguay.

MICHAEL WHO?

Ranked 32 and arriving at the tournament without their inspirational captain and 11th best African player of all time; Michael Essien, Ghana are by FIFA's estimations the 5th best African side at the tournament and the 4th best team in Group D. Probably the best 'footballing' African nation, Ghana can count themselves a little lucky to have made it through, both their goals so far coming from the penalty spot, and against sides reduced to 10-men. The absense of Essien has allowed German defector, débutante Kevin Prince-Boateng to shine in central midfield, while the performances of midfield destroyer Anthony Annan wont have gone unnoticed by the top European clubs. Qualifying ahead of Australia and Serbia on goal difference, the only African side left in Africa's first World Cup have a very winnable tie against the USA this evening. 

SUPPLIES!

Another big surprise out of East Asia as the pragmatic Japanese qualify behind Holland in Group E. Fielding a 4-1-4-1 which becomes a 4-6-0 when not in possession, Japan aim to frustrate their opposition. Defender Tulio Tunako has been particularly outstanding while in Keisuke Honda and Daisuke Matsui they have two emerging attacking stars of the competition. Ranked 47 in the world, and 4th in their group they will play Paraguay on Tuesday afternoon for a place in the Quarter-finals.

SLOVAKATTACK

Darkhorses Slovakia, playing at their first World Cup, progress at the expense of Italy. After disappointing displays against New Zealand and Paraguay saw them facing elimination, a stunning 3-2 win against the holders saw Vladimir Weiss' young side progress 2nd in Group with centre forward Robert Vittek rightly taking the plaudits. Marek Hamsik still needs to up his game though, as the advanced playmaker in their 4-2-3-1 system he is pivotal and a repeat of the team's early performances will see them easy prey for Holland on Monday.

DREAM OF CHILEFORNICATION

Chile are the most exciting team at this World Cup. That may only be an opinion, but it is also a fact. They play with a seemingly reckless 3-3-1-3 formation, which relies heavily on the work-rate of the seven attacking players to help out their three lonely defenders. When it works it looks brilliant and, despite only beating Honduras and New Zealand 1-0, they dazzled us with their movement, passing, flair and incision. The worry was though; how will this gung-ho approach stand up when they face a bigger, better attacking side. Leaving yourself exposed at the back and getting away with it against Switzerland and Honduras is one thing, but if you drop the soap too often against the top teams you will find yourself ruthlessly penalised. A goalkeeping blunder and a soft red card contributed to a final group stage defeat to Spain but a draw between Switzerland and Hondourus saw them qualify from Group H in 2nd place. Former Colo-Colo wonderkids Mathias Fernandez and Alexis Sanchez have done plenty to improve their already excellent reputations, though the outstanding find of the tournament so far must surely be Club America winger Jean Beausejour. Brazil awaits on Monday evening.

Find out what to think: here

Oh no! Hooray! England are out of through to the next round of the World Cup. Fabio Capello should be sacked praised for his ridiculous bold team changes that saw his side succumb romp to grind out a narrow convincing devastating defeat victory. England are not going to win the World Cup

Out but not down

Ghana will carry the flag for Africa in the knockout stages of Africa's first World Cup after Nigeria, Algeria and hosts South Africa joined Cameroon in failing to qualify from the group stages. Ivory Coast can still qualify mathematically, but it would take an unlikely 10-goal swing for them with Sven's side needing to match or better Portugal's 7-0 thrashing of North Korea with already qualified Brazil beating Portugal by 3 or more goals.

South Africa's elimination was of course the most disappointing, 2-0 up against 10-man France by half-time, and with Uruguay leading against Mexico, we looked well on course for a fairytale. France were long dead and buried, having had Yoann Gourcuff sent off for a flailing elbow their chances of qualification were long gone, but that wouldn't stop them from giving South Africa one last kick in the balls.

With Bafana Bafana committing more and more players forward in search of a 3rd and 4th goal that would bring them level with Mexico, Franck Ribery - one of the few French players who looked as if he was trying - was able to exploit the spaces in the South African defence allowing Malouda a simple finish. It was 5:30 pm and the sun had just set over Johannesburg, and over the hosts chances of progression. Like the uninvited party guest who makes a fuss, embarrasses themself before taking a dump in the linen closet and smashing a vase, France go home with their tails between their legs - and good riddance.

But hope springs eternal and out of the ashes of the Bafana fans grows new life, enthusiasm reborn for Ghana, Brazil, Portugal and England. The rainbow nation will still be continuing with their colourful and vibrant support of this tournament, while their players, team and fans have found several new admirers.

They call me mellow yellow

"The cheapest motel in Africa" boasted a large painted sign above my head. Alarm bells were ringing, both metaphorically and literally "Oh Well" I thought to myself "If nothing else it'll be something different for me to write about. I'm sure both of my readers would like a break from hearing about the Mexican formation or England's defensive crisis"

So what does R150 (about £13.50) buy you in the way of accommodation in Johannesburg? It wasn't difficult to see where corners had been cut, even to my untrained eye. A large grey compound surrounded by 40ft high chain link fencing was home to 40 or 50 small chalet like temporary bedrooms, each with it's own front door, window and bathroom. I opened my door as wide as it would go before squeezing through to survey what would be my home for the next 12 hours.

The room itself was just about big enough to fit a double bed into, although how they managed it I'll never know - perhaps it was lifted in through the roof. The sheets on the bed, as you might expect, were not in absolutely mint condition. Presumably once white, they reeked of urine and Marmite and had been uniquely customised throughout their lifetime with yellow, red and brown stains of all shapes and sizes. For £13 I wasn't going to complain, my sheets at home aren't much better. Astonishingly, somehow the curtains matched the bedding.

Investigating the bathroom was next on my list, if I was going to sleep in the same room as that bed I would need a jolly good wash in the morning. I wasn't expecting much but was curious as to what I might find. What I did find was not that exciting; a sink with a bar of well used soap in it - not to worry I had a bad full of pilfered hotel and aeroplane complementaries. The toilet was home to what appeared to be half a Twix, floating in it's own shallow gravy. "I'm not eating that" I thought, and flushed it away.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself, if you believe Franklin D Roosevelt. I don't know whether Roosevelt ever stayed at "The cheapest motel in Africa" and looked out of the bathroom window to see a group of shirtless Nigerian men carry automatic weaponry. I have and I did, let me tell you it wasn't fear that I was afraid of. It was the men with guns. "This could be it" I thought to myself. If I was going to be murdered, robbed, raped or ridiculed it would be here. Desperately trying to remember which religion I was, I pushed the bed against the door and waited for death, sleep or morning.

Smeltz likes team spirit

.....or dedicated followers of fashion

Italians are famed for their love of style, so hearing that it was en vogue amongst the big European sides to underachieve at this World Cup it can only be right that they continue this new trend with an uninspired 1-1 draw with New Zealand, a soft Iaquinta penalty cancelling out a surprise Shane Smeltz opener.

With France, England, Germany, Italy and Spain all struggling it's probably too soon for an inquest over excuses like altitude, attitude, Jabulani or global betting conspiracy, none of which will concern New Zealand - a side ranked 78th in the world, made up of assorted postmen, farmers and a Blackburn Rovers defender. A side that should have proved no contest for their Italian opponents, with a squad boasting 23 professional footballers, many of whom won this tournament 4 years ago.

SURPRISE!

The All Whites took a surprise lead after 7 minute when former Halifax Town striker Shane Smeltz found himself yards from goal with the ball sitting up nicely for him to prod past Marchetti to stun Cape Town's Green Point Stadium and the hundreds watching back home in New Zealand, 2am local time. What followed was a defensive performance that would befit the great Azzurri sides as Ricki Herberts men alternated between a 3-4-3 and 5-4-1 formation expertly, nullifying the Italians completely.

SOFT?

Italy equalised through a penalty after Tommy Smith was adjudged to have fouled Daniele De Rossi. De Rossi, who has a girls name, tumbled dramatically following a routine '6-of[1-half-a-dozen-of-the-other' tussle for a cross into the box and Smith was booked for his culpricy. Classically handsome, Vincenzo Iaquinta despatched the penalty with devastating accuracy and with more than an hour left to play the stage seemed set for an Italian come-back.  

SEDITION!

Player-power has been particularly prevalent so far at this years tournament, England demanding clear the air talks with manager Capello, French players going on strike amid talks of a traitor in the camp and Anelka being sent home. Following the 1-1 draw with Paraguay Italy coach Lippi had been criticised publicly by Iaquinta  for playing him out of position - on the left in a 4-2-3-1 - and was subsequently accommodated in his preferred central position against the Kiwis. Player power or a tactical coincide, it didn't work and anyone who has played Rock-paper-scissors will tell you that 3-4-3 nullifies 4-4-2. New Zealand have no such concerns and a win over Paraguay on Thursday will see the 2000-1 no-hopers qualify for the last 16.

Le Guen un chaton docile. Où est la bibliothèque?

Paul Le Guen's Cameroon are the first side eliminated. A sorry underachievement for the number 1 ranked African team at Africa's first World Cup. Their match against Denmark was not expected to be a great spectacle, but a fantastic clash of styles and a rather lop-sided Cameroon line-up provided one of the most exciting attacking displays of the tournament.

For years the richer African sides have been teaching their youngsters to play football from the back, Dutch or 'Ajax style' and as a result the less rich African sides have evolved a style of football capable of countering it. With Denmark coach, former Ajax manager Morten Olsen, preferring his team to play 'Ajax style' the Cameroon side set about to catch their defenders in possession. I wrote on Tuesday about Paul Le Guen wasting Samuel Eto'o by deploying him as a right winger, following my comments (although not necessarily because of them) Le Guen admitted his mistake and Eto'o was restored to his preferred central position for the clash with the Danes. It reaped early rewards when Christian Poulsen was caught in possession close to his own goal by Emana, Eto'o finished lethally to put Cameroon into a deserving 1-0 lead. Le Guen had sacrificed a left midfielder in order to play 3 forwards to close down the Danish defence and although it worked well from an attacking point of view, a by-product was that Assou-Ekotto was left horribly exposed at left back, and sprightly Ajax veteran Dennis Rommedahl proved their undoing. Having produced little of note and struggling to cope with Cameroon, Denmark equalised with a swift direct attack, Kjaer's exquisite cross-field pass sprung the high Cameroon defence unleashing Rommedahl down the right and his drilled cross was turned in by the lunging Nicklas Bendtner. A stunning move from defence to goal in seconds and with more than an hour remaining the game produced a flurry of exciting chances and counter attacks before Rommedahl scored a superb individual goal to win the game for Denmark and root Cameroon to the bottom of Group 

Despite protestations to the contrary, Paul Le Guen will not be Cameroon manager for much longer. It is already assumed by many that Eto'o is the de facto manager and following a demotivated performance on Monday and tactical failure on Saturday it is hard to remember a more dramatic and sudden fall from grace than the three-time Ligue 1 championship winning coach.

Three lions on a shite

.......or too many cooks spoil the broth

Anyone who regularly fails while blaming others needs to learn to look at them self. Scapegoats are a lot of fun, and can offer short term consolation, but the problem wont go away until you address the root cause. You. You are the problem.

England fans have had more than their share of scapegoats over the years; Beckham, Maradona, Cristiano Ronaldo, Philip Neville and David Seaman to name but several. After penalty shootouts the faithful fallback is to blame the manager, but the common denominator on each occasion is the fans. Specifically the fans' expectations.

England fans shouldn't be blamed for their high expectations, there's nothing wrong with optimism or patriotism in small doses, and raised on a diet of insipid diplomatic and ill informed punditry it's forgivable that people get carried away. England are and always were outsiders for the World Cup, the 8th best team in the FIFA rankings so a par finish would be being the worst team in the Quarter-Finals.

The manager is ultimately culpable should England fail to reach the latter stages, and his main failing is the insistence of accommodating Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney in the same team. The Brazilian squad boasts the two best right-backs in world football, but you cannot play with 2 right-backs getting in each others way so Dani Alves is left on the bench. Spain regularly leave out Fernando Torres from the first eleven when it benefits the team. To crowbar Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney into the same side handicaps three players who are all used to being the free-roaming focal point of their club side.

Its not a unique or original problem, football is littered with
examples of players who have shone for one side only to fail when their big move comes and they are no longer the big man on campus. It's particularly prevalent among South American wonderkids who having moved to Europe as stars of their clubs back home, struggle to adapt when they become just another team member.

But don't other nations cope with this problem? What about the Brazil sides featuring the likes of Ronaldo, Rivaldo, Ronaldinho, Kaka and co? Well the instinct of Brazil's stars was to create chances for Ronaldo, who could be trusted to finish. Gerrard and Lampard are not naturally creative players, their best quality is their finishing. Rooney is a creative player, but England's equivalent of Ronaldo is Emile Heskey - and Heskey cannot be trusted to finish.

The solution must then be to drop two or all of Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney in favour of a more balanced side with players in their correct position. Easy in theory, but will Capello agree? International tournaments are not the ideal place to experiment, but necessity is the mother of invention.

Mexicans show tequila instinct

It took a week of largely uninspiring games, and the near elimination of our hosts, but the World Cup finally got into gear on Thursday with 10 goals, a red card, penalty, own goal and more goalkeeping/Jabulani controversy. Game 1 saw the much lampooned Diego Maradona take his talented but defensively naive Argentina team to face their footballing opposites, a pragmatic and formulaic South Korean side devoid of any world stars. Maradona taking charge of the Argentina team is a bit like George Best taking charge of Northern Ireland, or Paul Gascoigne becoming England manager, he is loved at home for his on-field genius and off-field antics but respect as a coach has been less than forthcoming.

Despite Maradona's perceived lack of tactical nous, or perhaps because of it; Argentina romped to a convincing 4-1 win with Lionel Messi predictably taking centre stage. The regimented South Koreans did well to keep the majority of the Argentina team quiet, but had no answer for the best player in the world and it was Messi's free-kick that was deflected past the despairing Jung Sung-Ryong for the opening goal. Although Messi was the difference his team-mate and beneficiary Gonzalo Higuain will take the headlines with a hat-trick after being in the right place at the right time to execute simple but effective finishes. South Korea threatened sporadically but were unwilling to commit players to attack and created very little, they did manage a goal in first half injury time - a chance gifted when Demichelis was caught in possession by Lee Chung-Yong and the Bolton winger who finished with aplomb. An improved performance from Argentina and particularly the decision to replace Juan Veron with Maxi Rodriguez offered the team a better balance, but Maradona's defence will face sterner tests in the coming weeks and the jury is still out for me. Lovely stuff though.

Game 2 looked like being a rather drab affair with an out-of-sorts, underachieving Nigeria taking on the uninspiring Greek side. A turgid opening but the game came alive when a soft Ulche free-kick was crossed into the penalty area and beat everyone including goalkeeper Tvorzas. A cheap early goal which gave Nigeria confidence and they looked likely to get a 2nd but what followed was a first ever World Cup win for Greece. The Greeks owe a huge debt..... to Nigerian midfielder Sani Kaita whose petulant kick at Torosidis meant that his side would play for an hour with just 10 men. Advantage Greece levelled 10 minutes later when a hopeful Salpingidis shot took a deflection and looped over a wrong-footed Enyeama. The 2nd half was a fast-paced frenetic affair with wave upon wave of counter attack and counter-counter attack, Obasi particularly profligate for Nigeria missing an open goal when the ball rebounded to him quickly. Greeks winner came courtesy of a Tziolis header spilled by the otherwise excellent Enyeama allowing Torosidis to net from range. More misery for Nigeria, one of the best supported sides at this tournament and a welcome boon for Greece but with qualification out of their hands it's unlikely we'll see much more of (or miss) this pair, 

Finally the evening kick-off (or Game 3 for the pedants) was France against Mexico, 'Les Bleus' versus an 'El Tri' side aptly clad in Gaelic green. Having qualified unconvincingly and controversially the French look set to go home early with their tails between their legs, Raymond Domenech's men seem almost embarrassed to be there and were taken apart expertly by an improved 2nd half Mexican performance. Demotivated, disorganised and public discontent in the camp, this French side falls behind the sum of its parts and were inferior to a settled Mexico in all areas. The Mexicans were set up with 2 wide strikers in Vela and dos Santos, with deep lying centre-forward operating between defence and midifeld causing confusion in the French defence with their direct running and drop off play and numbers behind the ball allowing possession only to defenders Gallas and Abidal.  Impressive stuff - particularly from gung-ho left-back Salceido, but it wasn't until the introduction of 37-year old Blanco for Franco and new Manchester United signing Hernandez for Juarez that Mexico capitalised. Captain Marquez spring the high French defensive line for the on rushing Hernandez, with time and space he showed composure to round goalkeeper Lloris and score. A reaction from the French was expected, they had improved from the dire performance against Uruguay so there was hope, and with Henry and Gourcoff on the bench there were class reinforcements available. Reinforcement arrived in the guise of tiny Mathieu Valbuena for his first competitive cap. If the French hadn't given up they certainly weren't showing it, and their misery was compounded when Blanco's late penalty put the game beyond any doubt. France are not out of the tournament yet, but with one game to play in Group A a tactical draw between Mexico and Uruguay on Tuesday will see both sides qualify for the last 16.

Tonight sees England's 2nd group game when they take on Algeria in Cape Town. With the British media continuing their condescending and patronising coverage of the plucky South Africans showing cheery enthusiasm and optimism in the face of adversity you have to wonder why the same fuss isn't made of the England fans.

Spanish trophy presentation postponed

The first Wednesday of the 2010 World Cup saw champions elect Spain get their campaign underway. The best team in the competition, the best squad in the competition - even the players they left at home would form a pretty formidable international side; Spain were rightly favourites for this tournament and huge favourites to win their opening game against a lowly unfancied Swiss team. Bookmakers had Spain to win the match at a price of 1-33 which means that to win £1 you would bet £33. Spain were here to kick-start the competition for all of us.

Playing last of all the first round of group games, Spain's reputation was only boosted by the unimpressive performances so far of other fancied sides, but like France, England, Portugal and Italy before them they struggled to create and were wasteful with possession, they were not let out of jail with an own goal as Holland were, nor did they have he privilege of playing against 10-men like Germany. Not that Switzerland were particularly exciting, understandably defensive they made good work of denying Xabi, Iniesta and Silva time on the ball and their recovery tackling was impressive but this was not a special tactic deployed against the mighty Spain, it's just how Switzerland play, they did not park the bus, and attacked with numbers when in possession but it was still a shock and against the run of play when they did take the lead, Gelson Fernandes with a scruffy goal 5 minutes after half-time. Still plenty of time for Spain to turn this around, but not even the introduction of Pedro, Navas and the newly refurbished Fernando Torres could get Spain back in the game. Referee Howard Webb added on what felt like an hour of stoppage time but Switzerland held on.

Elsewhere in Group H Chile cruised to a sumptuous 1-0 win over Honduras, their first World Cup victory since 1962, thanks to a Jean Becaujour goal and wonderful performances from former Colo-Colo wonderkids Fernandez and Sanchez. But the best news of the day is that FIFA will not be banning the vuvuzela, despite criticism from European television companies and viewers. Now, I'm all for a bit of cultural imperialism now and then, but we want a World Cup in Africa, we enjoy all the colour and vibrancy that comes with that so we shouldn't expect to dictate to people how they should support their team, particularly when it is so intrinsically embedded in the football culture. I'm sure, with hindsight, we shall all remember the vuvuzela fondly. 

I'm Willy Wonka and you're taking a shit in my chocolate factory

It's been a forgettable opening week on the pitch as we've been subjected to some nervy listless performances, with perennial contenders from the "maybe" pile France, England, Holland, Argentina and Italy less than impressive. Hope on the horizon lay in the form of Portugal against Ivory Coast, Cristiano Ronaldo vs Didier Drogba and as the game sprang into life after 6 minutes, Cristiano Ronaldo with a trademark display of skill and a shot that hit the post, I felt justified in my optimism. The World Cup starts here, a game fit for the knockout stages.

But again the game proved to be something of a snoozefest, Sven-Goran Eriksson has reorganised this Ivory Coast team and they are a much more conservative side than you might have seen at the African Cup of Nations or previous World Cups. With Drogba fit only for the bench, Lille winger Gervinho was selected up front with support from the diminutive Kalou and Dindane, the defence pressed high up the pitch behind three deep lying ball-winning midifelders - it was clear that the plan was to deny time and space to the Portuguese with men behind the ball. An orange forcefield rather than a parked bus.

The initiative then would lie with Portugal, but with once would-be match-winner Deco now little more than a mascot-cum-passenger and £80m FIFA World Player of the Year Ronaldo targeted for kicks, bumps and gamesmanship tomfoolery the game was a stalemate. A packed midfield and tightly marked fullbacks Portugal didn't look to spring the Ivory Coast defensive line and there was very little space or time for them to create anything. We would have to wait for Drogba's introduction 

If the introduction of Drogba did nothing else it at least lifted the crowd, aside from Ronaldo's early effort there had been little to get excited about, so the late introduction of Africa's Footballer of the Year to Africa's first World Cup at least ensured that everyone inside Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium was awake. His presence up front for Ivory Coast improved the game and gave them a better focal point than the 5ft 10 Gervinho, but he was a bit off the pace, perhaps tentatively protecting his arm which was in a cast after he fractured it it a warm up game against Japan. Another draw then, another 0-0. Tactical victory for Sven and an interesting clash but far from exiting.

The draw means that Ghana are the only African side to take a win from these first round of group games, Ivory Coast though remain Africa's best chance of success at this tournament, but drawn in the 'Group of Death' with Brazil they will need to show more if they are to make the next stage.

Japs eye knockouts

Four years ago Paul Le Guen was among the most highly rated young football managers in the world, his Lyon team was dominating French football and he had quickly built a reputation at Lyon for finding and developing stars such as Michael Essien, Florent Malouda, Éric Abidal, Mahamadou Diarra and Karim Benzema. He resigned as manager of Lyon on the day the club won their 4th straight league title, but disappointing spells with Glasgow Rangers and PSG have since tarnished
his image. He took over African Cup of Nations runners-up Cameroon last summer, with the short term objective of 2010 World Cup qualification and 2010 African Cup of Nations success.

Cameroon have arguably the best squad of all the African teams, Kameni, Assou-Ekotto, Song, Bassong and Makoun are all household names in households that know their African footballers and in Samuel Eto'o they have arguably the best striker in world football for the last 5 years, a player who for his international side is much more willing to sacrifice personal glory for the benefit of the team, a tactic employed best under Le Guen's predecessor Otto Pfister who used Eto'o
as a decoy, often taking 2 or 3 opposing players out of the game.

But using Eto'o as a decoy will only work if the opposition fall for it, and devote players to follow him, using the best striker in the world as a right winger (as Guardiola at Barcelona and Mourinho at Inter often did) will work if you have quality players to replace him, but Cameroon do not have a Lionel Messi or a Diego Milito, and so Le Guen's decision to play Eto'o wide on the right against a disciplined, pragmatic and well-drilled Japanese side is baffling.

Japan were far from impressive as an attacking force and provided very little to what was a truly awful game, but they must be praised for their tactical discipline and goalkeeper Eiji Kawashima was impressive when called upon during a late Cameroon flurry of chances which coincided with Eto'o being moved to his preferred central position.

If this were still new to me I wouldn't understand

When Germany was first invented, more that 500 years ago, it was designed as a prison for the dangerously evil and a hospital for the mentality unfeasible. Due to an administrative error, all the inmates were released at once and a new country was born.

The inhabitants of this new land would be knows as Germ men (or Germans) to distinguish them from humans and remind them of their shame.

Fast-forward to 2010 and modern day Germany is a thriving hotbed of multiculturalism, almost completely freed from its hideous history. And nowhere better to display this than the German National Football Team. Gone are the days where the Germany squad would be made up of 23 blonde-haired blue-eyed big-faced boys named Dieter, Joachim Löw has selected players from all different backgrounds; Turkish, Polish, Spanish, Nigerian, Ghanaian, Yugoslavian and a Brazillian. He even selected 3 black players. That's how progressive Germany is these days.

But can all these different boys play together? Particularly with their talismanic German-born captain Michael Ballack missing the tournament through injury. Well they absolutely thrashed 10-man Australia with easily the best performance of the tournament so far. Polish-born pair Lukas Podolski and Miroslav Klose giving them a 2-0 lead before the half-time. The Australians had given up playing football by now and devoted their efforts to kicking lumps out of the Germans - an approach which might have been applauded with quiet envy under the old regimes, but this is new Germany - let's give them a chance. Inevitably Australia's Tim Cahill was sent off before talented Turk Mezut Ozil set up German Muller for a 3rd. There will still time for Germany to bring on their new signing, Brazillian-born Cacau fresh from the passport office in time to score a 4th.

So what to make of this new Germany? Can we forget the crimes of the past? No. Can we forgive? No. But it's certainly a start. A very good, very surprising start.

Green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find

The curse of the England goalkeeper is real. Ever since the then 38-year old David Seaman was beaten on his line by Ronaldinho in England's 2002 quarter final against Brazil, the country has struggled to produce a trustworthy 'keeper. After being beaten by a corner later the same year Seaman was dropped and subsequently retired from international football.

Step up David James; England's bright new hope. The former Watford 'keeper had been tipped to be England's number 1 for many a long year, just as soon as he could shake his penchant for costly blunders. But in keeping with his reputation and the curse itself, James let in a soft goal against Austria when Andreas Ivanschitz unleashed a trickling daisy-cutter which James somehow managed to let past him. A mistake which prompted the famous Daily Mirror headline "Oh Ivanschitz, David James has dropped a bollock"

Step up Paul Robinson, England's bright new hope, another player long tipped for international success. With an impressive start to his England career Robinson soon felt the weight of the curse, looking increasingly uncertain in his area and failing to inspire confidence from his defenders. His naked-lunch moment famously came in England's failure to qualify for Euro 2008, a Gary Neville back-pass bobbling just as he went to strike it, causing him to miss and watch the ball disappear into the goal. Robinson never recovered and further costly mistakes in the next games against Germany and Russia lead to calls for him to be replaced by Scott Carson.

Step up Scott Carson, England's bright new hope. Fresh from an outstanding season with Charlton Athletic and a clean sheet on his début, a friendly against Austria a week earlier; Carson was selected for England's final Euro 2008 qualification match, a crucial tie against Croatia. A record number of England under 21 caps under his belt and a bright future at Aston Villa on the horizon, Carson conceded 3 including what should have been a regulation save from Niko Kranjcar which he parried into his own net.

Step up Robert Green...............



Step up Joe Hart?

Tshabalala, say you love me too

Let's hear it for Siphiwe Tshabalala. One of the most satisfying players at this years tournament. A fantasy player from Kaiser Chiefs I was surprised he didn't earn a big European move after his performances at last year's Confederations Cup. A pacey left winger, 25 years old with 50+ caps and the benefit of an academy background. I like him because his name is fun to say out-loud. Give it a try: see-pee-way sha-ba-la-la. Delicious.

His name may be his best quality, but he has plenty more in his locker. Kaiser Chiefs are one of the best supported sides in South Africa, and in a nation where football fans tend to follow European clubs rather than watch football in person, he plays infront of packed stadia in his home games and the Sowetu derby against Orlando Pirates is a derby to match any in terms of passion and rivalry. Kaiser Chiefs is also the name of a shit indie band from Leeds.

The World Cup proper starts this evening of course, after 4 competitive warm-up matches the opening game will see tournament favourites England face their confused cousins the USA. Media build-up for this tournament will have seen various pundits smugly remind the fly-catching viewer that this is infact a winter tournament, it is winter in South Africa so England will have an advantage over the sides from warmer climes. It winter, well done guys, but it's still Africa. We wont be seeing too many snowmen, it still gets pretty hot, unbearably so at times. One thing that surprised me about the weather was that although the days have the heat of an English summer, it gets dark very early and very quickly. 5pm and it's a lovely sunny June evening similar to you would get back in Blighty, you're ready to sit outside all evening in your shirt sleeves. 5.30pm and it's pitch black as though someone has switched off a light. Takes some getting used to.

Good grief, 3 days as a blogger and I'm already making pointless weather related small-talk.

We built this city on soccer and goals

South Africa are going to win the World Cup! That's the word on the streets and don't anyone dare tell the Bafana Bafana fans anything different. In World Cups we will always rely on the host nation embracing and celebrating the tournament, and we feed on their enthusiasm. South African football fans have changed in recent weeks and months, from despairing about their national side, to being cautiously optimistic, to now displaying the kind of deluded optimism usually reserved for the English fans.

The British media's approach to covering South Africa in recent days has tended to be one of two strategies. Either they report on South Africa as though they were a nation of impoverished mentally handicapped toddlers who has just completed his first jig-saw puzzle, or that they are a nation of knife-wielding, car-jacking bum-rapists. English visitors to the country are left confused on how to react around a South African, do you give him a cuddle and a biscuit or run for the hills?

I can exclusively reveal that not all South Africans are mentally handicapped knife wielding toddlers intent on defiling your annus. Most of them are just like you and me. Well, not me - that would be hideous, but you take my point.

South Africa are going to win the World Cup! But will they? No. No, they wont win the World Cup, they will struggle to get out of their group. But don't let on just yet, and whoever you're supporting be sure to save a little for the Bafana Boys, the World Cup will be a better tournament with them in it.

Voulez-vous vuvuzela avec moi (ce soir)?

It's the most wonderful time of the year. The World Cup starts tomorrow. A 31-day long tantric orgasm of footballing breakfast, lunch and dinner. A month of highs, lows and filler clichés.

But now the crap can end; the speculation, debate and rhetoric is no longer required. We'll stop debating the squad selections, mourning the injured players, lamenting those who weren't selected or did not qualify. Now the actual football can begin!

It was little more than a year ago that I first visited South Africa, and anyone landing in Cape Town last summer could have been forgiven for thinking they had arrived at a disused suburban railway station, rather than an International airport. The place didn't look nearly ready to host a World Cup - unfinished stadia, unfinished roads, poor telecommunications and public transport. But no so now. Now South Africa is ready.

And so am I!