They call me mellow yellow

"The cheapest motel in Africa" boasted a large painted sign above my head. Alarm bells were ringing, both metaphorically and literally "Oh Well" I thought to myself "If nothing else it'll be something different for me to write about. I'm sure both of my readers would like a break from hearing about the Mexican formation or England's defensive crisis"

So what does R150 (about £13.50) buy you in the way of accommodation in Johannesburg? It wasn't difficult to see where corners had been cut, even to my untrained eye. A large grey compound surrounded by 40ft high chain link fencing was home to 40 or 50 small chalet like temporary bedrooms, each with it's own front door, window and bathroom. I opened my door as wide as it would go before squeezing through to survey what would be my home for the next 12 hours.

The room itself was just about big enough to fit a double bed into, although how they managed it I'll never know - perhaps it was lifted in through the roof. The sheets on the bed, as you might expect, were not in absolutely mint condition. Presumably once white, they reeked of urine and Marmite and had been uniquely customised throughout their lifetime with yellow, red and brown stains of all shapes and sizes. For £13 I wasn't going to complain, my sheets at home aren't much better. Astonishingly, somehow the curtains matched the bedding.

Investigating the bathroom was next on my list, if I was going to sleep in the same room as that bed I would need a jolly good wash in the morning. I wasn't expecting much but was curious as to what I might find. What I did find was not that exciting; a sink with a bar of well used soap in it - not to worry I had a bad full of pilfered hotel and aeroplane complementaries. The toilet was home to what appeared to be half a Twix, floating in it's own shallow gravy. "I'm not eating that" I thought, and flushed it away.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself, if you believe Franklin D Roosevelt. I don't know whether Roosevelt ever stayed at "The cheapest motel in Africa" and looked out of the bathroom window to see a group of shirtless Nigerian men carry automatic weaponry. I have and I did, let me tell you it wasn't fear that I was afraid of. It was the men with guns. "This could be it" I thought to myself. If I was going to be murdered, robbed, raped or ridiculed it would be here. Desperately trying to remember which religion I was, I pushed the bed against the door and waited for death, sleep or morning.